Marlaine83

Back from Kenya two weeks ago. I only have seven more weeks of work left til my last day! And one of those weeks I’ll be in glorious Texas with some besties soaking up some 4th of July sun on the river. heaven.

I’ve been a total weight loser failure recently as well. Gained 5.5 pounds in Kenya. Woo! And I’ve yet to drop an ounce of it. Weight watchers girl told me last night that I had in fact put on half a pound MORE! Ah. But ya know, I’ve grown weary of beating myself up. This is me right now. I’m 215pounds. I’m a 16/18. I’m definitely closer to my highest weight ever (230) than my lowest weight (170). But this is me. And I’m tired of being a self-hater. I need accountability and I need to lose weight, but I’m exhausted of beating myself up and putting myself into mental chaos, only to freak out even more when my efforts lead to a gain.

I’ve got amazing friends and an amazing husband. We’ve only got a couple more months left in Wolverhampton, the place I’ve called home for the last 7 years. The only city I’ve ever lived in while in England. And we’re trading our secure, full-time jobs, comfy two-bedroom bungalow and full-size family car to go tramping around the capital city for two years+ while Dave pursues his MA. This is equally exciting and terrifying.

There are so many questions and anxieties that our future raises for me especially. Dave is the cool one in the relationship. He goes with the flow. I’m the insane, neurotic planner who likes to how we are going to keep putting away savings while trying to put food on the table (if we even have a table) in one of the most expensive cities to live in on Earth!!

And it is this kind of thinking that leads me to eating. Probably more than I need to. More than I’m hungry for. Maybe having that chocolate after dinner that I wasn’t even craving but thought ‘why not’ and mindlessly consumed it.

And our days with our friends in Wolves are numbered. I don’t want to lock myself away right now. That’s basically how I lost the weight the first time. I want to see my friends. Do lunch, do dinner, do drinks. Enjoy life and each other’s company.

And so I’ve decided to accept myself at 215 right now. Am I happy at this weight? No. Do I think it is a healthy weight? Not at all. But right now, in this instant, it is me. And my weight doesn’t define me. At least I don’t want it to, and I’m learning to change my perspective on this.

These last few weeks I’m going have fun being me, in my life, with my friends, as I am in this moment.

Last week was a disaster with regards to diet and exercise. I didn’t make it to the gym once, combine that with the holiday weekend (ie, lots of unnecessary empty calories) and I was just a wreck.

Actually I’m probably being a bit hard on myself. Yesterday I was a wreck. I’m not sure what happened yesterday morning but I just knew that there was no way I was going to maintain, let alone lose any weight at my WW weigh-in, so I just used that as an excuse to eat crap all day. It’s been months since I have acted this way. And for me, confessing it is a good way to deal.

• oatmeal (yay, but boring!)
• sausage and egg sandwich (that’s more like it!)
• vegetarian sausage roll (so did not need)
• flat bread pizza (unnecessary)
• turkey and cranberry filled pastie (yum, but not a good lunch)

Way too much pastry in my diet yesterday. I came home from weigh-in after putting on three pounds and had

• gin & tonic
• pasta with homemade bacon, mushroom and tomato sauce
• 1/2 bottle red wine
• baileys

So basically my goal today is to flush all this crap out of my body. I’m hoping to drink around 5 liters of water and eat clean all day.

So far I’ve had

• oatmeal
• coffee with skim milk, sweetener
• small apple
• salad (lettuce, tomato, cucumber, tuna w/ light mayo)

For dinner I’m planning on stuffing a pumpkin with browned extra lean mince beef(5%fat), non-fat greek yoghurt, sauteed onion & tomato, bit of low-fat cheese, egg and breadcrumbs for thickening. The pumpkin will go into the oven just before we leave for the gym.

I’ll drop Dave off at kickboxing and head to my gym where I’ll do 40 minutes cardio, and finish up with some arms. I don’t what it is lately but my arms are getting flabby! I’ve always had decent arms and legs (my tummy is where I carry my weight). That all said I’ve got a bridesmaid dress to don at the end of July next year and I’ve go 8 months to shape up a bit. even to just lose twenty pounds by that time next year would make me feel so much better in my own skin.

So yeah, today I weigh 210.5 pounds. I can do this.

Got on the scale. Up another pound. So in the last three weeks I’m up 4.5 total. I’m bummed, but like I said to my WW leader last night—I WON’T QUIT. This is normally the point in weight loss endeavors where I would find an excuse to stop going to Weight Watchers, gain 20+ pounds that weren’t there before, get upself with myself, press restart—-

But not this time. I’m picking myself up this week. I was motivated when I got home last night from weigh-in. The first thing I did was make my salad for today. I weighed and measured EVERYTHING. Which is important in my salads because I like to put a lot of high-fat things in them, which in turn makes eating salads exciting.

Here’s the breakdown of my salad:

Lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber- 0pts

hard boiled egg- 2pts

smoked turkey slice- .5pt

1/2 avocado (50g)- 2pts

Light Ranch (2tbsp)- 1.5pts

So in total my lunch salad is 6 points. And let me tell ya—it’s absolutely delicious. Other things I did was core and chop an apple into slices, make a cucumber/tomato/cream cheese wrap (3pts), and pack two wheat crackers w/ laughing cow cheese. These are such simple things, I know, but when you get out of habit of preparing food for you day, that is when you fail! At least that’s when I fail. If I only pack my salad, I find myself getting hungry a couple more times during the day. I’m definitely a person who needs to eat often.

Day 1 isn’t over yet, but it’s on it’s way to being a good one!

Today I felt thinner. You know when you just have those great skinny days? Where your clothes seem to fit better. It’s nice to have one of those. I know it’s only been a couple weeks, but in that two weeks I think my body has been detoxing—which I guess is a natural occurance when you stop feeding it processed crap and begin eating about a dozen portions of fruit and vegetables each day. Okay maybe not that much, but my diet is tons cleaner when I’m making an effor to lose weight!

For the last few weeks I’ve been making fruit smoothies every morning for my husband and I. Banana, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, peaches—-blended into a delicious drink that keeps me full for several hours. I for one never thought fruit would be able to fill me up for the morning. But I’ve been pleasently surprised!

Lunches have been filled with salads. Delicious, beautiful homemade salads that I usually prepare the night before, pack into a tuppaware, and take into work. I’ve also picked up some organic mini-pitta breads which when I spread some garlic and herb cream cheese in and stuff with cucumber slices, it’s just the most divine snack around 3pm. Really revs me up especially when I’ve got a post-work jog planned.

My girlfriends and I have been consistently working out two days/week for just over a year now. In the summertime we walk/jog at the park, normally about 2 miles. Then do situps and push-ups. In the winter we join an aerobics class which is really great for helping to quickly shift those holiday pounds!!

Recently dinner times have been quite stagnant—meaning I haven’t been venturing out too much. But I will say that I always cook from fresh ingredients. So usually it’s a lean meat (grilled or baked), potato (baked or mashed), and some vegetable. We have pasta one night of the week (my husband’s specialty), but it’s always with a homemade tomato sauce—which is great because it tastes loads better and the ones in cans are normally much higher in calories and sodium. I also like to do a tofu/vegetable stir fry one day in the week because it’s just so easy and quick. I usually serve that with rice.

Oh and I drink a TON of water! Usually around 3 liters a day. This is the one habit I haven’t dropped since joining weight watchers the first time back in ‘07. I adore my water.

Anyways my point being that I feel so much more liberated with food since re-joining weight watchers. Because I measure and write down EVERYTHING I eat/drink, I feel like I can have that handful of m&ms in the evening before bedtime. Or a fair few gin & tonics on the weekend.

I posted a YouTube video for the first time in ages. It feels good to have a more visible presence in that community again.

For those of you who don’t know—I began vlogging my weight loss back in Feb ‘07 on YouTube. Back then there was a small community of vloggers who watched each others videos and gave support to one another through the medium of commenting or making video responses. The YouTube weight loss community has grown exponentially since then and the video quality has for the most part become very good. This is probably one of the reasons why I don’t post as much anymore. I can make great videos, it’s just finding the time to do all the editing!!

All that said, I’m going to continue keeping that online video diary for myself. And the encouragement is great. It’s a buzz getting all the comments :)

I was made a YouTube ‘partner’ back in May. I don’t know why they accepted me on my first application through—there are so many incredibly talented vloggers out there who make incredible content who I know have put several applications in and not had them approved. However I’m quite pleased they accepted me and now that I’ve got my banners up it definitely makes me want to post more.